It's a scene that will be familiar to many parents of primary school-aged children: you're about to do school drop-off and your child says they want to stay home.
You might wonder if it's OK to let them. After all, we're trying to teach our kids to look after their mental health, right?
But it can cause further problems down the road, says Kimberley O'Brien, an educational psychologist based in Sydney.
"Parents sometimes talk about it like a mental health day. They'll say, 'We give [our child] Wednesday off sometimes, just to give her a break during the week,'" Dr O'Brien says.
"And I gulp and think, 'I hope this doesn't become a habit'."
What to do when you need to leave and your child asks to stay home
There are many reasons why children can find school tough, including learning difficulties, bullying and social problems. But other times, your child may just be feeling upset, tired or would rather be home playing with their toys.
Marie Yap is a professor of psychology at Monash University. She's also the founder of Parenting Strategies, a free online website with evidence-based strategies for parents to support their child's mental health.
If it's a busy morning, and the parents are trying to get out the door, Professor Yap suggests making a quick decision about a child's school attendance and following up with them later.
"If the parent is able to 'get' the child to school, then yes that would be the best option, with an agreement that they will have a proper chat about it later that day," she says.
Parents may also face the challenge of arranging care for their child at short notice if they're unable to take time off work.
Setting clear boundaries for days off
If the parents decide to let the child to stay home for the day, Professor Yap says it's important to set clear boundaries and expectations — and have your child agree to them.
"Maybe there's no clear reason, and [you] don't have time to negotiate, [so you might say], 'Just once off, we will allow you to stay home but we're going to make sure you get to bed early, you get plenty of rest so that you can go tomorrow','' she says.
"So, making that [decision] together with the child and making clear what the boundaries and the scope of that decision are. You're still putting the foot down, but you are also giving the opportunity to stay home this once.
"The parent knows the child best, even though it might be a struggle sometimes."
'It's not a school holiday'
If you do decide to let your child stay home, it's important to prioritise rest rather than stimulating activities such as playing games or using electronic devices.
"[You might say], 'Well, you did say you were feeling unwell. For that reason, you need to stay off the screen or overstimulating activities and the real solution is more rest,'" Professor Yap says.
"[Be] very clear with the child, even when you allow them to stay home for the day, that it's not a school holiday."
Is tiredness enough of a reason to keep them home from school?
So, is tiredness — or even just the child's preference — a valid reason to keep them home?
"If there is a clear, valid reason for the exhaustion (such as a planned or unexpected late night), parents may choose to make an exception and let the child stay home," Professor Yap says.
"It's when there is a pattern where the child is using 'tiredness' as the reason for not wanting to go, but the parent cannot unearth any clear explanation for this (including physical or medical reasons), that there may be cause for concern — and it would be important to take action to break the pattern."
Get to the bottom of any issues as soon as you can
"If your child is resisting something they are usually open to, any curious person would want to find out why," Professor Yap says.
"Depending on how old the child is — [and] how open they might be about their thoughts or their feelings — a parent would want to make attempts to try to come alongside the child and find out what it is that's bothering them."
When talking to your child, Professor Yap suggests:
- Practising active listening;
- Reminding your child that you're on their side; and
- Explaining why school is important and shouldn't be missed.
You could also consider contacting school staff to see if there's a reason for your child's change in behaviour.
Sometimes, children's absences have a pattern, so it can be helpful to keep a record of days they've missed school or asked to stay home.
For example, children might try to skip school sports events if that's something they don't enjoy.
How to frame conversations about attending school
Many parents can relate to feeling tired or burnt-out or have had negative experiences at school themselves.
But it's important for parents to support kids when they're asking to skip school because they don't feel like it.
Dr O'Brien says parents can draw on their experiences to help children normalise their feelings about school.
"[You might say], 'I get it. I felt like that when I was at school too sometimes and I feel like that about work,'" she says.
"You might share your own personal strategy and ask other people in the family [what they did when they didn't feel like going to school]."
It can also help to remind your child of the things they may enjoy about school, like their favourite activities and people.
Why avoidance can make school attendance problems worse
Professor Yap says parents can feel guilty sending children to school when they're upset. Sometimes, they might also simply want to avoid conflict.
"The more you allow your child to avoid school … the harder it's going to be to get them back," she says.
"That's why we try to break that cycle as early as possible."
Dr O'Brien says teachers and staff can work with families to come up with a plan and accommodate the child's needs.
If the issue keeps coming up, it may also be helpful to get help from a psychologist or counsellor, she says.
