Has January got you thinking about a relationship shake-up or even a break-up?
The fresh start of a new year causes us to reassess many parts of our life, including relationships, says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO and Relationships Australia NSW.
"Our team of relationship counsellors and mediators see it happen every year," Ms Shaw says.
"The new year doesn't magically create relationship problems. It exposes the ones people have been carrying for months, sometimes years."
Knowing whether it's time to call it quits or give things more time requires reflection — and support — as our experts explain.
This information is not intended for relationships where there is abuse. If you are experiencing abuse reach out to to 1800 RESPECT, or if someone is in immediate danger, contact triple-0.
Why January?
Psychologist Meredith Fuller says the idea of 12 months or one year being significant is "arbitrary", but we have created meaning behind it.
And with that comes with a desire to grow and change with each year that goes by, which is why we often set new year's resolutions.
"Sometimes we can feel like we've had that 12 months, and what's happened? What's changed? Nothing.
"There can be a feeling of 'Oh, God, I can predict what the next 12 months will look like'," Ms Fuller says, adding that "sameness" in relationships can feel boring or unsatisfying.
A post-holiday reset
While the mind shift that comes with a new year is part of why we take stock of our relationships, Ms Shaw says the festive season allows us to really notice where things are at.
"Holidays heighten existing challenges, bringing family expectations, financial stress, fatigue and old emotional history into one big pressure cooker.
"Even strong relationships can feel stretched. Fragile ones often fracture further."
She says it's a time when "excuses fall away".
We can't just blame relationship stress on the business of work and children in school, for example.
The comparison trap
The extra socialising can also highlight issues, Ms Shaw says, and even cause people to compare their relationship to others.
"A person who is unhappy in a relationship is often hyper alert to how others around them appear to be looking.
"They might notice someone is more affectionate or giving a toast where they say lovely things about their partner."
We might also compare where we are at in life against those having "peak experiences" around us.
Like welcoming a new baby or meeting someone knew, explains Ms Fuller.
That can leave us feeling like "the same old, same old" is about to repeat itself for another year.
Ms Shaw says these factors combined can force couples who are struggling to "confront a hard truth".
"Either we change how we do this relationship, or we stop pretending that change will happen on its own."
Should I stay or should I go?
Ms Shaw says if you're weighing up your relationship, ask yourself:
- Is poor communication making things seem worse than they are?
- Have I withdrawn from trying? And therefore, am I starving the relationship from a real chance at change?
- Have I calmly and clearly expressed my needs, and heard my partner's response? (Expressing them in the middle of an argument isn't likely to stick, Ms Shaw says).
- Have my feelings changed to the point that, whatever we try, my heart isn't in it anymore?
Ms Shaw says these questions can open the door to repair — seeking counselling, resetting expectations, and learning to communicate differently.
"I'm not saying you should stay together, but because you have invested a lot in a relationship, and if there are children and friends and family invested, actually slowing down and being considered about next steps is worth doing."
Putting in the work
Ms Fuller says while some relationships are "over, dead or dry", others can be saved with some work.
"When you fall in love, everything is wonderful, and it feels like that person is meeting all of your needs.
"But they don't have to do much to create that excitement.
"In a [long-term] relationship, you both have to take responsibility for being fully present and making it exciting and interesting."
She says the best way to do this and stay connected is to take a genuine interest in learning more about each other.
"That mega interest in each other is like fuel, it gets you connected again."
But if you decide ending the relationship is the healthiest option, Ms Shaw says counselling can help couples "get on the same page", leading to a more amicable split.
"It might just be six weeks with a few sessions — I'm not saying wait another year, but if you do have to separate — it will help you separate well."
