Readers on the challenges and guilt around caring for an aging parent

Andrew Larcos retired earlier than expected to move in with his aging dad.

He says after watching what his dad went through putting his wife, Andrew's mum, into aged care, he hopes to avoid it.

"My mother had Alzheimer's, and my father was her main carer at home until it just became too much for him," the 63-year-old from Sydney/Gadigal Country says.

"He was completely overcome with feelings of guilt when we had no choice but to place Mum into a residential care home."

Andrew says six months after entering into aged care, his mum died.

"My father fell into depression. It was a difficult period for the family."

Andrew says he's doing "the best he can" to care for his 98-year-old father.

"At times it isn't easy, and I desperately hope that I will never have to face the dilemma of trying to place my father into residential care."

Andrew wrote to us after reading our story the guilt people often experience for not being able to provide the support they would like to for an aging parent.

We've collated several reader responses here. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share with us.

'Isolating, lonely and frustrating'

I had to give up work over a year ago to care for my 85-year-old mum.

I'm an only child. There is no other family as they are either dead or over 80.

I rely on my mum's aging friends in their 70s and neighbours for very limited help.

It's isolating, lonely and frustrating.

Mum and I are only 100 kilometres from the centre of Sydney, but it's another planet as far as help is concerned.

I applied to have her assessed by My Aged Care in March. I'm still waiting.

I love my mum and we're closer than ever.

It's just hard when you can't get through to people that there's no support other than friends who you don't want to impose on, as they have their own health issues.

— Ericka Lovell , 65, Southern Highlands, NSW

'There's always guilt'

There's always this guilt; do I go see my mum with advanced dementia in the nursing home, or spend time with my grandson who also needs me?

— Roxanne Breccia, 65, Sydney/Gadigal Country, NSW

'My life is on hold'

I am a carer for my dad. Dad is unwilling to trust anyone but me, meaning there are no support services.

I have to be everything, do everything, know everything and fix everything.

Walking away would mean him ending up in hospital and much worse off.

I'm unable to get support, unable to walk away, and putting my own life on hold.

I can't work, I can't look for love, I can't travel.

There's no way forward and no way out. And I imagine I'm not the only one who's in a similar situation.

— Naomi Thompson, 33, Orange, NSW

'Every night I went to see her'

I looked after my mum at home. It is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do.

It's very hard and draining if you don't get sibling support.

Mum had her first stroke on her birthday and had no choice but to go into a nursing home.

Every night I went to see Mum to settle her in. She hated it and I felt it. Eight months later, and two more strokes, I couldn't do it anymore.

I couldn't see her for a couple of months because I'd just cry.

When she passed after her fourth stroke, I missed her. But I was relieved for her. It is still the most difficult decade of my life, and I still miss my mum.

Hardest thing I've ever done but slowly feeling proud and honoured.

— John Sellwood, 61, Wagga Wagga, NSW

'I gave up work'

I gave up my work as a lawyer two years ago to care for my mother, who has dementia.

Although she is in a 'good' nursing home, l go daily because l don't think the level of care is sufficient.

I know of several women who, like me, have held senior professional positions and have given up their careers to care for elderly parents.

There appears to be considerable support for parental leave both with time off work and paid leave, but absolutely zero support for the many in my situation.

As a nation, we are losing the skills and experience of women who give up work to look after elderly parents never to return to the workforce.

— Collette Davies, 53, Perth/Boorloo, Western Australia

Some comments have been edited for clarity and brevity.