As the plane descended into Darwin, I gazed out the window at the harbour far below, my stomach in knots.
I was terrified. I'd never travelled alone before and had no idea of the impact it was about to have on my life.
Even when I moved to Mbantua/Alice Springs for work, I'd had the support of friends and family every step of the way, offering advice and coordinating logistics. The move had also been a few years ago, and in the meantime, I'd grown familiar with my life.
I dreamed of visiting new places, but the unknown sounded scary.
While friends jetted off to Europe and America, I watched from the sidelines, too afraid to have my own adventures, trapped by anxiety.
The feeling of missing out nagged me.
Eventually, in my 30s, I decided I couldn't let the situation go on. Seeing a friend's photos of a getaway to a tropical paradise was the final straw.
Still afraid, I chose to book a holiday to Darwin, only a short flight away on Larrakia Country. I'd ruled out going overseas, believing it would be too much for a first trip.
A week from the start of my holiday, I almost cancelled my flights out of sheer panic.
But I didn't — and that decision opened the door to all that came next.
The first days of exploring the Top End
When the plane landed, I took a deep breath, grabbed my luggage, and organised a taxi to my accommodation.
In my hotel, I reviewed the day trips I'd booked. I found the prospect of travelling with strangers hundreds of kilometres each day on tours daunting and didn't get much sleep that night.
The next morning, as the coach lurched out of Darwin in the pre-dawn, I tried to talk myself into relaxing — easier said than done.
I still had my heart in my mouth as I walked the trails in Kakadu.
As I looked at rock art and listened to the guide speak about the flora of the rainforest, dread washed over me because I was in a completely new place without my support system. What if something went wrong?
On another day when we went swimming at Wangi Falls in Litchfield National Park, I only dipped my feet in while others dunked themselves completely.
The turning point of my holiday
Unexpectedly, my discomfort didn't last forever.
About halfway through the trip, sitting on a boat on the crocodile-infested Mary River, knowing life jackets would be useless, I couldn't ignore the fact that I seemed to be coping.
I'd expected to be swallowed by loneliness and inundated with catastrophes, but neither of those things had happened.
Instead, I was chatting to fellow tourists surrounded by the wildness of nature.
Two days later, when floating down the majestic Nitmiluk (Katherine Gorge) to the song of cicadas, the realisation that I'd accomplished my dream hit home. I'd risen above my fear and lived beyond my limitations.
Confidence surged through me.
From that moment onwards, I enjoyed every minute of my trip.
When visiting the Tiwi Islands, instead of drawing back with hesitation, I asked questions and took every opportunity to learn about the region's culture and history.
No longer constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the worst to happen, I soaked up everything and focused on having a good time.
One of my favourite memories is of sailing out on Darwin Harbour to view the foreshore from the water. The touch of ocean breezes over the glittering waves sealed travelling to Darwin and the Top End as one of the best experiences I'd ever had.
Normal life felt different
When I returned home to Alice Springs, people remarked that I seemed more grounded and self-assured.
I sought out numerous new locations to visit locally in Central Australia, marvelling at the landscape. I also enjoyed swapping travel stories with the students at the school where I taught.
Inspired to continue travelling, I took opportunities to book solo trips to other destinations in Australia.
I'm just getting started, and keen to see different places and learn to trust myself even more.
Staying in Australia suits me for now because I want to see as much as I can of my home before I explore further afield — which I definitely plan on doing at some stage.
In the meantime, Australia's raw beauty and diversity never disappoints.
Visiting Darwin wasn't just a holiday — it was a catalyst for freedom.
Sonia Morell is a freelance writer from Sydney who has lived and worked in Alice Springs.
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