Yasmina Elmerkaoui can't recall exactly when she first came across the concept of the "roommate phase" online, but she quickly put together the pieces and realised it was something she had experienced.
The 28-year-old social media creator was raised in a conservative family but says there was still surprise when she married her high school sweetheart young.
"We've been pretty much happily married since," she says, and the pair have two young kids.
Yasmina shared on social media that her experience of the roommate phase involves feeling like you're stuck in the rut or routine of work or parenting and feel as though you're "co-existing with a roommate".
"For us it just looked like not connecting and not being best friends like we usually are."
Yasmina says she's recognised times during the phase when she's unable to relax and enjoy her husband's company, even when they're out for dinner without the kids.
"We're in trouble if going out on a date is feeling hard," she says.
"I feel like if it isn't dealt with in time it can snowball … [and] get worse and worse."
What is the 'roommate phase'?
Relationships counsellor Jill Dzadey says the 'roommate phase' is "definitely a real thing".
Ms Dzadey, based in Naarm/Melbourne, says it's when it feels like the relationship is being taken up more by life admin than emotional and physical intimacy.
"I think it's good to name it because if you aren't naming it, you're not noticing it [and] you can't really do anything about it."
She says it's a common — possibly inevitable — experience in a long-term relationship. "It creeps up on us."
Ms Dzasey says kids bring a lot of responsibility and logistical hurdles, which can be a big adjustment for a couple and that can create a rift.
Disconnection between partners often emerges at other times, too, Ms Dzasey says, including when one partner is caregiving for a family member, managing an illness, changing careers, or going through a particularly demanding period at work.
She says these scenarios can often consciously or unconsciously shift priorities and "sap the relationship of the romance, connection, fun and spontaneity".
"I think we have to be realistic … relationships grow through different seasons as well, and there are some seasons where it is harder to connect."
The clinical director of North Brisbane Psychologists, Rachel Hannam, says resentment can be a part of feeling disconnected.
She explains that when there's "a lot of routine [and] a lot of monotony", especially when combined with other responsibilities and stresses, "contempt can really creep in because you're just so exhausted [and] you can get resentful if you feel like [things are] not fair".
Dr Hannam says these feelings of resentment can result in a lack of intimacy and communication between partners.
How to avoid or escape the roommate phase
Waiting for things to return to normal isn't the best approach according to Ms Dzadey.
"We don't just come out of the roommate phase, we have to be intentional."
She says consciously choosing how to spend spare time is important, as is planning for difficult periods.
If one person is offered an exciting job opportunity that's also going to take up a lot of time, Ms Dzadey says partners could discuss, in advance, how to stay connected.
She says couples might need to get creative to make space for quality time, which "looks different for all couples".
Remembering you and your partner are a team and communicating is also vital, Ms Dzasey says.
"The way you go about solving problems or discussing issues is very different [when you're a team]."
Dr Hannam suggests considering working to bring back novelty and excitement into the day-to-day and being open to sensitive and honest discussions without judgement.
There's some truth to the phrase "couples that play together stay together", she says.
"You can do something behaviourally, like take up a new hobby together, or do something that's a little bit exciting or adventurous together."
If there is fighting or resentment present, Dr Hannam says it's important couples discuss their feelings and unpack perceptions rather than focusing on just the surface issues.
"They're not fighting about sex or money, they're fighting about how they feel, how they're being treated and perceived by their partner."
Yasmina says communication has been the key to breaking out of the "roommate phase" in her relationship. She and her husband try to make time to ask each other a set of questions every week, including "what are three things that I've done this week that have made you feel loved?"
"These questions kind of get things to light before they're an issue," she says.
She says part of the reason she shared her experience online was to help normalise these parts of relationships.
"There's no shame in feeling like your relationship is kind of at a lull," she says, "and [it's] okay to seek help if you need it."
