Childless is an important label to Stephanie Phillips.
The 58-year-old founder of World Childless Week says there are several alternatives to describe her circumstance, but childless most accurately captures hers.
"The 'less' represents the children I dreamt of and never had. It symbolises the grief I have for them remaining in my heart and having never rested in my arms," Stephanie, based in the UK, says.
It's why she finds it difficult when people confuse childless with being childfree.
"Being childless is the group that no-one wants to join, so it is hidden and ignored by parents to such a degree that many automatically assume childless means childfree.
"I can't just say I am childless, I have to add 'not by choice' so that people see the real me."
The childfree label is equally meaningful to many in its community.
Tanya Williams is the author of A Childfree Happily Ever After and says she will often introduce herself as childfree by choice.
"I am proud that I made that decision, and I love my life. Same as how many women will introduce themselves as having three kids," the 53-year-old from Brisbane/Meanjin says.
While not everyone in the childless or childfree communities will identify the same way, understanding the difference means we can respond more thoughtfully when learning about someone's parental status.
Rise in confusion about childless and childfree
Stephanie says her grief "is already disenfranchised", and has become more so since the term childless has been increasingly adopted by the childfree community.
"I've noticed a rise in the confusion over the differences since JD Vance made his 'childless cat lady' remark.
"The majority of people who have used this opportunity to raise awareness and evoke a reaction are the childfree."
She says the media storm has "clouded the line between" what it means to be childless or childfree.
Perhaps the most important difference between the two, she says, is choice.
"The reasons behind childlessness are diverse and complicated. They may include … physical or mental health, medications, hereditary conditions, not meeting a partner, meeting a partner who does not want [more] children.
"[Those in the childless community] didn't choose this life."
Stephanie says while she recognises parenting can be hard, she mourns even those difficult moments.
"We'd still have liked to experience the tantrums, arguments, worries and fears for ourselves."
For those who are childfree by choice, Tanya says the decision isn't necessarily an easy one to make, with society valuing procreation, especially from women.
"We have made a life choice, just like [parents] have, and it's no less valuable than theirs."
Taking ownership of a decision that goes against the grain with a label like childfree can feel empowering, she says.
Childlessness grief counsellor and lived experience advocate Sarah Roberts, based in Brisbane/Meanjin, says people who are childless not by choice can be seen as more "acceptable" than those who are actively childfree.
“We are kind of seen as OK in the sense that we wanted to be parents.
“Whereas as childfree is an active choice, and people [with kids] often feel like that is an assault on their identity."
'I wish it was a clear-cut conversation, but it isn't'
For Stephanie, embracing the childless label has helped her find support.
"The terminology can help us find communities where we feel safe."
But she says no-one should feel pressured to identify a certain way.
"If someone asks if we have children, we don't have to refer to being childless. 'No' is a complete sentence that we don't need to expand on."
Amelia Carey is childless not by choice after trying to have a baby for several years.
"I stopped counting after seven or eight [miscarriages]," the 45-year-old from Sydney/Gadigal Country says.
She says childlessness can be lonely and isolating.
"Most of my girlfriends have all got kids now. I really feel a bit lost.
"I've found it really difficult to find a purpose now I'm not a mum … I feel like my life won't evolve."
While Amelia's circumstance fits with the childless label, she doesn't use it herself.
"I don't really label it. I just say to people 'I don't have kids, we tried, we failed, you're not meant to get everything you want in life'.
"It's probably wrong to call it a failure, but that is what seems to come out of my mouth."
Stephanie says there can be crossover in the childless and childfree communities because people use the labels differently.
"I wish it was a clear-cut conversation, but it isn't.
"I recognise that some childless [people] prefer to say childfree. Some because they feeling it has a more positive connotation, and others because they hope it throws people off from asking intrusive and insensitive questions."
Being sensitive when learning about someone's parental status
Amelia says there isn't a right or wrong way to ask somebody if they have kids, but intention matters.
She says curiosity and asking permission to dive deeper, rather than shutting the conversation down with quips about how hard parenting is, can go a long way.
"It's more just being compassionate with your responses.
"Sometimes people say, 'Do you mind me asking why?' I don't think it's what you say, it's how you say it."
Tanya says there is more to people than their parental status, so asking other questions about people's lives can also lead to meaningful conversation.
It's helpful to remember not everyone moves through life in the same way, Stephanie says.
"Most people assume they will go from daughter to mother to grandparent.
"I got stuck at the first stage, whilst others choose to stay there, and both of those situations need to be normalised."
