Some relationships end loudly, most end quietly. There is no dramatic fight or sudden revelation. Instead, partners gradually stop showing up for each other in small, everyday ways.
The legal divorce, if it comes at all, is simply the final step in a separation that happened long before. “Quiet divorcing,” the term given to this slow, mostly invisible retreat from a long-term relationship, has recently gone viral.
Borrowing from the term “quiet quitting,” it has caught fire because it names an experience many people recognize but rarely articulate.
When relationships unravel slowly, it can feel confusing or even invisible to the couple themselves. But while the label “quiet divorcing” is new, relationship science has been studying this slow-burn breakup process for decades.
The danger of emotionally disengaging
Relationships can unravel in different ways, as American psychologist John Gottman’s research shows. Some couples experience escalating conflict early on, but for many long-term partnerships, the earliest signs of trouble are subtle: moments of emotional withdrawal or small bids for connection that go unanswered.
Relationship bids can come in different forms: a funny message during the day or pointing out a bird on a walk. When partners turn toward them with interest or warmth, closeness is strengthened. When those bids are ignored or brushed aside, distance slowly grows.
Longitudinal studies — research that follows the same couples over time — reveal that declines in positive engagement are a powerful predictor of relationship distress and, for couples who eventually separate after many years together, they often precede visible conflict by a long time.
In these relationships, satisfaction frequently shows a two-phase pattern: a long period of quiet disengagement followed by a sharper drop as the relationship approaches its endpoint. By the time problems are confronted directly, the emotional infrastructure of the relationship may already be hollowed out.
Boredom makes reconnecting harder
Boredom — a sense of predictability, stagnation and diminished excitement — is another key driver of slow relational decline.
In a nine-year longitudinal study, research found that couples who reported more boredom were less satisfied, even after researchers accounted for how satisfied couples were at the beginning of the study, an effect explained by declines in emotional closeness over time.
Other research shows that on days when couples feel bored, they are also less likely to engage in exciting, shared activities, and when they do, those moments feel less enjoyable and connecting. Over time, reductions in shared growth opportunities predict meaningful drops in romantic passion.
This helps explain why many partners “feel done” long before they officially end their relationship.
Relationships rarely collapse in a single moment. They fade through the quiet loss of shared moments that once made the relationship feel alive.
Why the term resonates right now
If researchers have known about these patterns for decades, why does “quiet divorcing” strike such a chord now?
The phrase resonates with contemporary cultural pressures. As U.S. psychology professor Eli Finkel argues in his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, today’s couples often expect a relationship to be not just secure and supportive, but personally fulfilling and exciting.
When passion fades — as it naturally does for many couples over time — the shift is interpreted not as normal, but as a sign that something is fundamentally broken. Add in social media comparisons and performative affection online, and even subtle disengagement can feel especially stark.
While anyone can experience quiet disengagement, gendered patterns do emerge. Across multiple studies, women are more likely to detect emotional disconnect early, to seek conversations about relationship issues and to ultimately initiate divorce. Men, on average, are more likely to withdraw or avoid emotional confrontation.
Cultural norms play a role too. In many societies, women are expected to manage the emotional maintenance of relationships — noticing when something feels “off” and initiating conversations, organizing social plans or being the one to plan date nights to keep the couple emotionally connected.
When that invisible emotional labour is met with silence or resistance, research suggests it can erode feelings of being loved, increase distress and fuel conflict — conditions that make emotional disengagement and, eventually, relationship dissolution more likely.
When the slow fade can be reversed
“Quiet divorcing” highlights that many breakups are not discrete events, they are processes.
Researchers have observed that couples often undergo months, even years, of slow decline before the final unraveling. The tragedy is that many partners only recognize the growing distance once it feels too wide to cross.
Yet the same quiet, incremental shifts that create distance can, when redirected, begin to rebuild connection.
Responding to everyday bids for attention, expressing appreciation and introducing even small sparks of novelty into familiar routines can rebuild closeness. Declines in emotional and sexual engagement don’t always mean a relationship is doomed, they can be signals that it’s time to tend to it.
But not every relationship should be saved. Sometimes the quiet fade reflects an honest reckoning with the fact that the relationship no longer meets both partners’ needs or has become chronically painful or imbalanced. Recognizing that is not a failure.
Choosing to leave can be an act of care, not just for oneself, but for the possibility of a healthier life beyond the relationship.
Paying attention to the subtle changes in a relationship — the missing laughter, the waning curiosity, the pauses that go unfilled — gives couples the chance to course-correct. But it also gives them the clarity to know when reconnection is possible and when it’s time to just let go.
Emily Impett receives funding from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.
