When your child insists on doing something that could end badly — despite your warnings — do you let them do it anyway?
If you have adopted parenting trend FAFO — f*** around and find out — then it's quite likely you would.
Examples of the tough-love approach can be found on social media, including one video in which a mother explains her young son keeps asking for "red juice" from the fridge and "won't take no for an answer".
The drink is actually spicy, and she pours him a cup so he can "find out" for himself.
Cue shocked little face.
In another, a boy tells his parents he is "going to a different house" because his parents won't let him sleep in their room. His parents say "See ya!" and let him outside.
His mother then closes the door and turns out the front porch light.
Cue tears.
Is this the 1980s parenting today's generation of kids need, rebellion against gentle child-rearing, or exhausted parents just throwing their hands in the air?
We asked the experts to explain, and also find out if FAFO parenting is a trend worth jumping on, or one to scroll past.
What is the basis of FAFO parenting?
FAFO parenting is having a moment on social media.
Considered an antidote to gentler caregiving approaches, FAFO is a "reversion to dominance, hard-nosed, toughen-up princess" child-rearing, explains parenting expert Justin Coulson.
"FAFO parenting can be seen as authoritarian because it's 'my way or the highway, live with the consequences of not doing what I said'."
Kelly Gough, president of the Australian Psychological Society, says it's a "pretty old-school" parenting approach, which allows children to experience the natural consequences of their decisions.
And while that can help children "build resilience and decision-making skills", Dr Gough says the "I told you so" attitude of FAFO isn't helpful for children.
In some of the examples found online, he says the FAFO method lacks the empathy and support children need when they "find out" those consequences.
He is also concerned that FAFO might be being used on children too young to understand the potential consequences of their actions.
Why are parents drawn to the FAFO trend?
When it comes to parenting trends we see online, Dr Coulson says there is often little moderation.
In the case of FAFO, he says the "pendulum has swung" from gentle to "harden up".
"I get the sense there is a vibe shift in society that we are seeing at a social and political level.
"People are looking at politicians and thinking 'it's a dog-eat-dog world and I need to make sure my kids can handle it'."
Parents are also exhausted, says Dr Gough, and perhaps feel FAFO is a way to take a step back.
"Kids can be demanding and they just go and on and on sometimes."
But letting kids experience natural consequences shouldn't be about giving up or being disengaged.
"It's hard work if you do it properly," he says.
Natural consequences are good, but kids need support
Kids should be able to experience natural consequences, Dr Gough says, but need to be supported when the outcome isn't desirable.
"Like not wearing a jacket when it's cold or staying up late playing video games the day before an exam.
"Instead of rescuing them from that choice, you let them realise what the impact will be.
When things do go wrong, he says "the tone you choose in unpacking that with them is important".
An "I told you so" tone, for example, is not useful, he says.
"You need to be compassionate about it and let them talk it through."
Dr Gough suggests saying, for example: "You felt cold? Oh, that must have been awful. I guess you wish you brought your jacket, after all. Maybe next time. But for now, we'll go home and warm up."
He says the natural consequences also "have to be safe and developmentally appropriate for the child".
"If you expect a four-year-old to understand the consequences of something complicated, you are being unfair."
True gentle parenting includes boundaries
Fans of FAFO parenting are often critics of gentle parenting, who say a "softer approach" is permissive.
Dr Coulson says true gentle parenting isn't about lenience, but about setting boundaries with empathy and respect.
Ironically, he says FAFO could also be considered permissive parenting, which is defined as a type of parenting characterised by low demands and high responsiveness.
FAFO parents are basically saying, "Well if you want to mess around, you'll find — just live your own life and figure it out for yourself," Dr Coulson says.
"It can be seen as extreme form of permissive parenting."
Back to basics
Whatever parenting style you adopt, Dr Gough says there are three things that are an effective basic framework for raising children.
"When you look at attachment theory and other stuff, very few things really matter.
"Children need emotional warmth and connection, consistency … and predictability."
Dr Coulson says parents should focus less on labels when it comes to parenting, but if he was to pick one, "gentle parenting done well" is his preferred parenting style.
"You give your kids a whole lot of autonomy, but work through challenges with them in a way that supports their relationship with you, builds resilience, and supports their capacity to solve their problems."
