Have you ever noticed a mate say or do something towards their partner that didn't sit right with you?
Maybe it's the way they talk about them when they're not there, or how they always need to know where they are and who they're with.
Phillip Ripper, CEO of No To Violence, the peak body working with men to end men's family violence in Australia, says there are "dozens" of red flags someone might be using violence against their partner.
"But the overwhelming area of concern is if they treat their partner with disrespect," Mr Ripper says.
He says it's "critically important" men look out for their friends and their friends' partners when it comes to domestic and family violence.
"Have the difficult conversation, step up, and be there to help your mate get on the right path.
"We know positive male role models are really important in shaping these behaviours and attitudes, and having a man in your social group who has a respectful conversation to help support someone … has to be one of the ways we tackle family violence."
Red flags in friends' relationships
Everyone can play a role in preventing domestic and family by understanding coercive control and that abuse is not only physical.
Men have a unique role to create change, and knowing the signs of violence is part of that.
But it's also important to realise there might not be any indication, says Domestic Violence NSW chief executive Delia Donovan.
"We never fully know what happens behind closed doors. However, there are some signs that we can look out for."
Some examples shared by Ms Donovan and Mr Ripper include:
- The way a mate talks about their partner, such as comments that seem disrespectful, or that belittle or demean them.
- Their role in the relationship; for instance, controlling the finances.
- Controlling who their partner socialises with, constantly checking their location or questioning who they are with.
- Disagreements that seem disproportionate to the situation.
- Being overly possessive or jealous.
"An underpinning element to domestic and family violence is power and control, so if it feels like a relationship is heavily one-sided, there might be something deeper happening," Ms Donovan says.
It's also worth paying attention to how your friend's partner interacts with the group, she says.
"Are they withdrawn, are there any visible signs of abuse, how are they spoken to by their partner?"
What to say to your mate
If your friend's language or views are concerning you, and you feel safe to have a conversation, take them aside and say you're not comfortable with what's happening, suggests Ms Donovan.
Approaching them in a supportive and non-judgemental way can be effective, she says, suggesting phrases like: "I love you mate, but this isn't OK."
"Use language that doesn't focus on blame, but instead looks at solutions and reflecting together."
Mr Ripper says to avoid accusations and recommends "genuinely listening to where they are at".
He says many of the men they work with don't initially see their role in creating the violent situation.
"There's a lot of 'Look what she made me do' … men's behaviour won't change if they feel like they aren't responsible."
He says it can be helpful to reinforce your friend's ability to make their own decisions.
"And if he's not happy in the relationship, to reflect on his role and his ability to change that."
Mr Ripper says ways to open the conversation can include: "How are things are home?" or "How are things with you and your partner?"
You can point them to professional services such as the Men's Referral Service for free counselling or Barbershop through White Ribbon.
If you aren't sure how to start the conversation, 1800 RESPECT or the Men's Referral Service can give advice.
Mr Ripper says you can chat to mutual friends to see if they share your concerns.
When your friend is concerned about his own behaviour, Mr Ripper says it can help to offer them a place outside of the family home, like staying on your couch.
Should you reach out to their partner?
If you have concerns about the safety of the person you believe to be a victim, you should always call police, says Ms Donovan.
"If you don't have such safety concerns, but do want to check if someone is OK, we would always suggest approaching them when they're alone, without the other person present.
"If there is a violent situation, approaching the victim with the perpetrator there could put the victim in more danger, as well as yourself."
She says you can ask if they feel safe, and remember to listen without judgement and most importantly, believe them.
Mr Ripper says often just reaching out can give someone the chance to reflect on their situation and validate their experience.
Safe Steps has helpful information on supporting a victim.
